So many choices….

I’ve been waking up early these days, now that my doc allowed me to drop off the Trazadone. I wonder if Wayne Dyer was onto something in his remarks about waking each night or morning at one’s own “magic time.”  Dyer says, “Do you find yourself regularly waking up around 3 or 4 am each night? Next time this happens, remember this poem from Rumi and don’t go back to sleep. These hours before dawn are when you are close to Source, and a great time of inspiration and creativity. Put your feet on the floor, get out of bed, feel the morning breeze, and listen to your inner thoughts.”230840_10151186422656030_710308534_nSo this morning early when I woke up I pondered the meaning of my early waking. What was the universe telling me to do? I thought of and tweeted a photo I took about decisions. So many to choose from is almost paralyzing, but should be freeing and inspiring too. Do I seek another marketing job? Substitute teach? Volunteer to get out of this funk? So many choices. Here’s the photo: 14 - 11

Published in: on August 18, 2017 at 4:34 pm  Leave a Comment  

Job Seeking & the Dress that Talks Back

A few days ago I had two appointments to break my doldrums.  The first was a “well woman” visit at the gyn. The next was my weekly counseling appointment. At the latter, I found myself recounting my half-hearted efforts while feet in stirrups to suggest that my gyn could use an office manager. I make a great office manager, but it’s not so convincing perhaps to broach the subject in this position.

Then I went on to tell my counselor, B., that I was making some small progress in decluttering. It’s really de-hoarding. My biggest cache of under and unused things is my wardrobe. I explained how hard it is for me to divest myself of my identity that is wrapped up in fancy ball gowns and fun dance costumes. She teased me about the dress that cried, “wait, I have so much more utility…save me!,” suggesting my doc might up my meds if she knew I had a dress that spoke to me. So I argued back to this dress and told it to “hit the highway” and off to Goodwill with you!

Published in: on August 18, 2017 at 4:25 pm  Leave a Comment  

Do you want to harm others?

One of the questions asked at the doctor’s (psych) today. I didn’t, until kept waiting a long time for the doc in the waiting room. But then the doc came in and agreed to reduce my meds by a weeeee dose.

She said I need to come back in a month. Enough time to heal from the wait.

 

Published in: on July 13, 2017 at 6:12 pm  Leave a Comment  

Dusting myself off, picking up by the bootstraps

It’s been ages, gosh!, since I wrote here. Friends are telling me to write a book but I’d rather resume blogging.

It’s like going for the clean and polish at the dentist when you know you need deep scaling. I’ll get to both of ’em.

I need to share what it’s like in the world of bi-polar. No, not two polar bears mating. But the yo-yo of everyday life and some momentous swings on the seesaw. The ones that have you up viewing the universe and then coming down with a bang on your bum, so hard it jars the teeth.

I have pictures I drew, and thanks to cell phones, photos from my last hospitalization. I was pretty happy before I got released. Had to come back to reality, and the U.S., and every day, and now have lost my ability to communicate with God on direct bandwidth. That sucks.

brushing my hair with a snapped off toilet brush…I was immune to everything, not even germs could get me!

Here’s a pic when I was giddy-happy in the Denmark insane asylum (just kidding, they are very humane over there and modern with treatment).

Another picture from the same institutionalization (admission) in Denmark:

surfing on the bed in long johns.

Published in: on July 13, 2017 at 12:23 am  Leave a Comment  
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Captcha Poetry

Here’s a little Jabberwocky poem, spun from 9 captchas.

Create your own & share!

Evinced we went, bravely Somali, to empty a billion dustbins, hence beautifying the barometer in doubletime.

Like a quipping cat, the martini comes, summoned by the gumbo President, as he plays Jascalevich dominos alone on the beach.

Published in: on May 26, 2010 at 1:04 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Your personality: 2.0

In this day and age, when we expect the newest model in our cars, software, and all our gadgets from ipod, to ipad, why not upgrading to the newesself improvementt version of “I”, oneself?

A friend of mine ends all her emails with, “any day above ground is a good day, so live it up.”  I say, any day above ground is a good day to change what we don’t like about ourselves and work towards the new version, 2.0.

I often think of one of my favorite TV shows, “Nip/Tuck,” the black comedrama which always opens with one of the plastic surgeons asking the prospect patient, “So what is it you don’t like about yourself?”  The irony being, of course, that no scalpel can excise the discontent one may have with one’s inner core, and one’s inner core is really where true self-love comes from.

Personally, I’m pretty happy about my physical self and appearance.  I got lucky and inherited some pretty good hand-me down genes from both my parents. While I didn’t get mom’s blue eyes, her genetic German stock married happily with my dad’s DNA contribution, and my pop gave me long eyelashes, good legs, and his fast metabolism, fortunately.  I watch what I eat pretty well, and I’m active, so I have so-far kept the age’s grim hand from sketching too heavily over the original draft.

But going back to the horsehair inside the couch…that’s another ball of wax (don’t think I don’t mix metaphors for nothing…I do it for sheer orneryness).  The inside–me, myself, and I.  That part of me, the inner core, I force through more boot camp and attempt to put through more upgrade installations, self-checks, virus-scans and defragmentations than on any other entity in my sphere.  Yes, I’m a self-improvement junkie.

I’ve recently questioning a little more acutely who I am because I have my eye on a certain someone who in my eyes is all that is beautiful in an individual…outgoing, high energy, social to a fault, if there were one, but that fault would only be being affected or insincere.  He’s not.

I’ve found myself questioning whether I could ever be with him? Would it be possible for us to be compatible?, I ask myself, measuring my social nature along side of his.  I’m not a party animal in the true sense, never really have been, though I do LOVE parties. I’d rather “hang” with a good friend on the side than flit from big group event to event, whereas this man seems to collect people to him (zillions of people almost) like groupies clinging to a rock star.  I feel like I’d be lost among the throng.

Anyway, that insecurity remains somewhat unresolved, but I started to realize that as long as I’m true to myself, being a party animal or not doesn’t matter.  Where I can improve and do want to improve (the first steps in self-change ARE always identifying and intrinsically desiring) is in desiring a more diverse group of people to be my friends.

I’m an ardent dancer, and in dance circles, it’s constantly a challenge to synthesize and make sense/peace/connections with the quirky individuals and personalities that comprise the different dance circles.  There have inevitably been a few people with whom I didn’t get off on the right foot.  Besides the poor guys that I start my first acquaintance with by literally stepping on their toes as we try to waltz off together, there are the even greater number of women at dance with whom you need to do the social boogie-woogie with.  Ladies that you will air-kiss upon entering the dance hall or milonga. Women that you will end up sitting next to, who you will either chatting with in great camaraderie or wind up comparing yourself to in side-long glances, checking which of you is sending out in subtle flares a better body language to tempt that errant solo dancer and lure him to sail over and single you out for the next number.

In the dozen dance places that I frequent, there have been a few women that I didn’t immediately feel like bosom buddies with.  Believe it or not, this bothered me.  Contrary to the common knowledge that not everyone will like you and it’s fruitless to try to please everyone, I seek universal approval. (I know, that’s a security issue I’ll eventually have to work on.  Even Jesus, who–face it–had pretty good odds for being liked with his divine perfection, had some human elements and his detractors.)  Okay, so I say to self, “Self, those women whom I had some conflict with, they have some pretty good points too.  I’ll bet if you gave the situation another chance, and are super friendly to them and put aside and past real or imagined slights, they will come around, and most importantly, you’ll start liking them.”  I have to say, it’s happening.  People that I thought I’d never chose for the closest of my friends are becoming the ones I look forward to seeing as I get to know them better.  And because of my expanded outlook, I’m feeling better about myself.  And even a little more hopeful about Mr. Wonderful.

To summarize, whether it’s being getting over insecurity, shyness, a short-temper, or becoming more friendly, easy-going, punctual, generous, patient, faithful, whatever, as long as we have breath to inhale, and feel the desire, we can be the change we want to see in the world, as we only know the world through ourselves.

Published in: on April 18, 2010 at 5:16 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Kaizen–revisting this eden

i know i’ve written about it before, but i keep coming back to it.  If i were to pick one word as a mantra, it would be Kaizen.  This beautiful japanese word means continual improvement, and it can apply to one’s whole life—one’s business dealings, one’s relationship with others, one’s marriage, one’s commitment to god and to meditation.  i AM imbued with the wonder of this concept.  To me, it represents the potential of all that’s good in one’s self, in man, in nature, and one’s spirit.  always striving for a better version of existence.  Buddha, Jesus, Allah, Moses — there’s such an innate beauty in these Godheads.

(jibun wo shinjiru)

other random thoughts—Life is Art and Art is everywhere.

non-random Japanese word:

Published in: on February 11, 2010 at 2:09 am  Leave a Comment  

This soul hasn’t stopped searching, just looking under different rocks…

Geeze-Louise, I have a lot to learn about this blogging process.  It’s a lot like having a child, and Soulseeking, my first blog, I think, has been wandering barefoot in the dessert of cyberspace like the proverbial red-headed stepchild.  (No offense, Gingers, I love you all and your passionate grip on the world. I’m a lefty, and us outer-fringe-rs gotta band together and give each other moral support against the sinister plot to defame us).

I say I think Soulseeking was my first progeny because I suspect I have another offspring suffering even more neglect and malnourishment on the net.  Well, someone who’s earned her bread and butter by scouring the internet for answers (yes, Virginia, there is a job like this, it’s called a market research analyst), I should be able to find that other lost lamb and invite him back into the fold.

So now like a  parent who’s finally able to pay back child support, I’m gathering Soulseeking into the embrace of my nimble typing fingers and proud parent’s heart, acknowledging the recognition he earned on his own merit despite neglect (I’d failed to acknowledge some nice comments, and did so today with great thanks to people who had somehow discovered SS’ing, and vow not to commit that cardinal sin of blogging, ignoring readers, any more, Amen.)

Anyway, I’ve decided my little family of blogs is going to keep peace and now introduce SoulSeeking to his little sister, Catapult.  Kids, get along, okay?  Maybe you can share some friends, Soulseeking, you might want to show Catapult something about public speaking and how to dress up nice, since I think Catapult doesn’t have much sense of style yet.

frombobandsue

SS & Cat up on a ridge

acknowledgement:
Many thanks to Dave and Marge, the real actors who posed as SS and Cat in their meeting up on a ridge, and to bob&sue, their agent.
Now if you want something really of beauty, listen here. Utterly divine.
Published in: on January 11, 2010 at 4:19 pm  Leave a Comment  

Chill award

I’m not one to brag (much), but someone called me “really chill” today.  A total stranger from the web.  That’s like getting a wolf-whistle for your wit.  Course, now I’m luke-warm for being lame-o and writing about it.

Anyway, my surfing tonight brought delightful discoveries that I have to share with my phantom audience.

LOVE that I discovered the Fictional Cereals page!  A true delight, describing Spumco Sugar Corn Waste, as well lauding Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs, the preferred morning munch of my hero Calvin, of he and the Hobbes’ fame.

Breakfast is my all time favorite meal and I grew up on everything from Freakies to Count Chocula and seeing these other bowlful imaginings gladdened my heart, imagination and sweet-tooth. Have to steal a few image from that fabulous site, as well as post some nostalgic images of brands I remember.  I’m surprised I missed Fruity Yummy Mummy, which lurked on the shelves at some point.

Among nutrition’s rogue gallery, some of the concoctions I actually imbibed include…

Quisp

Freakies

I’m just glad I never sunk to eating something called Donkey Kong’s Crunchy Barrels of Fun.  Sounds like something you might find mucking out a stall in the deep South. What is alarming is that despite my current-day appreciation for things like Special K or innocuous, sensible fare like Rice Chex, I still think my good buddy Cap’n can’t be beat.  Call it soul food.

Cap'n Crunch Peanut Butter

Published in: on December 30, 2009 at 4:49 am  Leave a Comment  

In search of balance…

sleepy_flower_121906A facebook friend of mine notice I was up early. At that point I didn’t know whether I was up late (very) or up early. My sleep has been brief and interrupted. I think a lot has to do with the light from my laptop (or bloc note, as they call it here in Montreal).  Apparently light eminating from a computer screen simulate sunlight, so the bright light right before bed throws diurnal rhythms out of whack.  Even if we sleep the same amount, we get the equivalent of jet lag, as WedMed notes:

… staring at a computer screen and enthusiastically typing or surfing not only can steal precious time you should be banking in deep sleep, but the actual light emansleepyating from the screen can also disrupt your body’s ability to prepare for sleep and literally wind down… people who spend more pre-bedtime hours using the Internet or watching television are more likely to report that they don’t get enough sleep, even though they sleep almost as long as people who spend fewer pre-bedtime hours in front of a computer or television screen.

I guess it’s time to wean myself off computer addiction.

Published in: on September 6, 2009 at 2:45 pm  Leave a Comment